First, I have a confession.  I’ve lived in this house for almost four years.  I’ve scrubbed and sanitized, purged and organized.  However there is a small area in the kitchen which has been no man’s land.  A place where fear lives.  It has taunted me, and I have backed down.  Weak.  Afraid.

Well today… today everything changed.  Today I declared war on the space behind the refridgerator.  Battle was conducted.  My weapons of choice were paper towels, Clorox Clean-Up, and the Dyson.  They were well chosen.  After a vicious battle, the war was won.   I’d post photographs from the field, but I’m afraid my journal isn’t rated for mature content.

Today was an exciting day in the Carey house.  After the aformentioned battle, another large scale even occured.  Naomi was placed in her Bumbo chair and given rice ceral.  It was messy and the spectators cheered on the players.  Naomi and Mommy.  It started with the two sides going head to head.  A spoonful in, 3/4 of a spoonful out.  After some struggle, the two sides decided to play nice.  By the end of the campaign, they were about on equal terms.  Photo and video documentation will be posted … eventually.

I haven’t updated my itunes and iphone yet.  Mostly because it always gives me problems.

I tried it.  Got the same problem as here.  Followed the same solution.  It worked.

Annoying.

I don’t think the two are supposed to be linked. Forgiveness is an act made being fully aware of what is being forgiven. Being able to forgive while remembering, knowing, it’s hard stuff. But it also means that if/once forgiveness is truly given, the memory does not cause strife, but serves as guidance for the future.

I posted the above on a friend’s Facebook page, in response to her status update.  It’s made me pause to consider where I am, and where I was.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me.  There’s a myriad of reasons for this, but it boils down to fear and security.  Many of the issues in my marriage, I believe, were compounded by my inability to truly forgive.  It took years to understand what that word means and how it functions… then longer to put it into action in my life.

We have an obsession with our roots.  Where did we come from?  All the way down to Creation.  It’s as if in order to define ourselves and move forward, we must understand our past.

It was a random thought that I was going to continue on… but I started writing this about a week ago and never got around to finishing.  All well.

Some things that I wanted to “record”.  A couple of weeks ago I tried giving Nomes a bottle (with breastmilk, of course).  She took it, looked a little shocked when milk came out and then drank it right up.  I could just imagine her going… “oh new binky.  Oh! binky with milk. sweeeet.” ha ha!  So it has been a huge relief in the evenings to be able to fall back on a bottle when my breasts are empty and sore, but the baby is still hungry.  Last night I gave her an ouce or so off the bottle before bed and then awoke at 4am full and leaking a bit.  So I pumped 4.5 ouces and then split it into 2 storage bags.  I think this will work out just fine.

Memorial Day.  We went over to M&F’s for a great get together with 4 other people.  It was lovely.  Nomes, Nomes was awesome.  Why?  Because one time while nursing, she unlatched looked at me, smiled and then latched back on.  She repeated it one or two more times before unlatching, LAUGHING and then latching back on.  It was the cutest thing ever!

The downside is that she is continuing to do the unlatch – relatch thing.  Or she’ll try to turn her head to look while still attached!  Owie.

I wrote this last week… but it didn’t post because WP was being funky.  So here it is:

Whew.  Time keeps on tickin’ tickin’ tickin’ and it’s already been 13 weeks since my body was ripped open and a little person popped out.  Funny how it might as well be another lifetime at this point.  My body is healed, the pain is forgotten, and my daughter is incredible.

She’s hanging on to things.  She has been working up to laughing, usually just a shout, but this evening it actually sounded like laughter.  It makes every little bit of me explode to listen to her “talk”, to see her smile directly at me.  I find it difficult to remember life without her.  She has filled in so many gapping holes, I can’t believe I lived this long so incomplete.

In some ways I find it difficult to adapt to this new role.  Going for a long walk, to the beach, to the mall… that’s actually part of my job now.  It’s not slacking off.  It’s finding ways to teach Naomi, expand her world, and keep her safe.  I am not able to sit down at the computer for hours and “work”.  She requires attention. More and more attention (ha! Just wait until she gets mobile yah?).  This is something completely different from any position I’ve held to date!

We’ve had visitors from out of state and country staying with us for the past week.  It’s been a whirlwind week, and I hate to see them go.  My friends are dear to me, and a blessing.  There are only a handful of people who I feel comfortable with.  No guards, shields, or defenses.  Just me.  Just them.  I will miss them when they leave.

I haven’t had much time to write and I miss it.  Even now, I need to be walking out the door to take my sister in law to the airport…

… to be continued.

eventually…

Nomes grabs stuff.  She doesn’t necessarily grab AT stuff, but she grabs and hangs on.  I love it.  It’s just another little thing that makes me realize that she’s growing and growing and growing.  She’s beautiful.  She smiles at me and it highlights my day.  She cries and my body aches to sooth her (even if my mind is spent and wants to run away!).  Motherhood is an interesting mix of me, instincts, and the changes in me which are developing.

We have some out of town visitors for the week.  Out of state and out of country.  It’s funny.  The Canadian girl has a slight accent that makes me smile.  She’s gentle and inquisitive.  Enjoyable company for sure.

Saturday we went into SF.  Nomes’ first big trip.  The diaper bag was heavy with all the “just in case” items, which included a good 40 diapers.  Don’t worry, I’m exaggerating… just a little bit.  It was a lovely day.  The wind kicked up, cutting the heat and making for a great day on the Pier.  A quick trip to the bridge.  It’s nice to have tourists, I don’t frequent some places enough without them.

Recently Mark and I made a decision.  It’s one that I flip flop between confidence, fear, trepidation. and antisipation.  I don’t know if it’s a god decision, but it does leave my life – yet again – in God’s hands.  Trusting that He knows the best course of action for us.

I’m sleepy and unsure if I’m making sense, so I think it’s time to hit the bed.  Night y’ll.

Today we purchased a Baby Bjorn.  It seems to be the evil side of baby wearing, for some reason, and I gave in.  The position is exactly where Nomes likes to be.  So we’ll see how it works out.  I’m sure I’ll use the sling or wrap again, just not for another month or so.  Right now, she’s just not diggin’ ‘em.

She’s grabbing things.  Not exactly reaching and grabbing, but if it’s close enough… she’ll wrap her fingers around it.  It’s adorable.  She hangs on to our shirts or the cord on sweatshirts.  Her tiny beautiful fingers.

Life is crazy.  Busy.  There’s always a million things on my task list and not enough time to do them.  My SIL has been coming over to baby sit, which is a HUGE help.  Just having someone watch her, even while she’s sleeping, allows me the freedom to catch up on a myrid of items.

My baby afgan has been put on hold for something smaller.  I’m making a hat.  I need something with a close FO.  Sometimes that small sense of victory can make a huge difference in other parts of my life.

About a week ago, Naomi exploded.  Somehow, despite my constant supervision, she grew up.  Not all the way, mind you, but enough that my jaw dropped. I can’t believe how big she is.  How aware.  How she’s a full on baby, no longer a newborn or an infant.  It really does go so fast.  There’s so much development happening to/in her right now – that nearly every day something changes.

I think she does it while I’m sleeping.  Those few moments I do sleep!

We’ve scheduled her 3 month portraits.  I had planned on doing New Mommy/Newborn portrits… but like I said, time’s gone by very quickly!  I’m adding it to my list of “next time” which is also going to be used to help pregnant friends.  I’ve got a list of “must haves, etc”.  I want to be pregnant again, luckily I have friends who are and can live vicariously through them.  At this point, it really would be masochistic to do that to myself so early!

It’s a busy week.  I still have a backlog of work for my clients.  Two of which I am going to need to approch on my knees groveling apologies for my lack of communication and follow through.  They are both patient clients and understand I’ve got a little one, but I don’t want to abuse that and use it as a procrastination tool.  Which means… I shouldn’t be writing this entry, heh.  I have to put down some of my thoughts before they tumble out forever.

Thankfully, there’s cameras and video cameras to help a lil’bit with that.

I’m sitting on the sofa.  Nomes is asleep on my chest.  Just listening to her breathing and feeling the warmth of her little body makes me happy.  Content.  Complete.  I adore her.  Her smile.  The way she agressively kicks and “air crawls”.  I love the way she knows me and finds saftey and comfort with me.  How she sleeps just a little bit better next me than by herself.  How she manages to get poop on the sleeve of my shirt… high up… near the shoulder.  How she smells.  How she wraps all of her fingers around my one.  She smiles so big when I yawn.  She makes faces and sounds at the funniest times.  I wish I could record all of it. Every thing.  It is all going by so fast.  I love her.

Mama loves Naomi.

Yesterday had two big things.  The first was tummy time.  Nomes hates tummy time.  The moment I lay her on her stomach she gets pissed off.  So we’ve been doing modified tummy time by laying her on my shins or playing airplane.  After some research online I went to Target to see what I could find to help in this particular issue.  I found the Fisher Price Rainforest 1-2-3 Musical Gym.  I layed her on the cute little pillow and she didn’t get pissed off.  She didn’t even cry.  It lasted for a couple of minutes before she fussed.  She even did a lil baby push up!  I was so proud of her.  She’s strong, and I want to make sure she continues to develop her strength, but I also hate to see her so distressed.  I’m a first time Mom, I’m sure I’ll get over it, heh.

So the baby push up and the ability to do tummy time on her own made me happy enough.  But THEN, while sitting with Daddy, she reached for her rattle and grabbed it.  She hung on for a couple of minutes and even shook it some.  I got it on video.

It was a very big day.

I adore her.  Did I say that already? Let me say it again.  I adore her.  She makes me happy and I love making her happy.  I love it when she smiles at me.  I even love it when she’s upset and looks to me for help.  I love curling up with her in the mornings.  She’s my beautiful baby girl.

Nursing at home is great.  Nursing in public needs some practice.  Sunday was my first time nursing her someplace other than the car.  It was … interesting.  I decided I don’t care for the privacy wrap I was using and switched to a different style.  Tried the new one today and it’s much better.  Better coverage and less fuss.

I’d like to try a ring sling and see how she takes to that.  The extra fabric off the sling can double as a privacy cover… which means less things to carry around.  Always good.  The diaper bag is already like bringing lugage every where we go!

Sunday at BJs a Mom at the table next to ours stopped to chat on her way out.  She had an Ellaroo and loves it.  (That’s one of my favorite things about being a new Mom.  The random chatter with other Mom’s.  So many women will come up to say hi to Naomi and engage in various child related conversations.  … and of course they all think she is super cute!) She refered me to Sling Fling Slings.  Custom slings at a reasonable price ($25-$30 compared to $100ish for an Ellaroo).  So we’ll see.

Mark woke up last night with a crazy dance with acid reflux.  Poor guy.  It didn’t sound fun.  End result was him calling in sick.  Which meant that he was taking the day to chill… and I thought this would be the perfect chance for him to bond with his daughter while Mom enjoyed free hands to get some things done.  Oh yah baby, I scrubbed the kitchen floor.  I vacuumed.  I did laundry (which reminds me, I need to put in a new load…).  Really – it was lovely.

I’m PM’g a new development project.  It’s stright forward, we’re implementing a custom appplication for site B, which we just finished designing for site A through the same company.  That’s a good thing, it means they liked the application.   In the mean time, I’ve got some work to do.  I need to sort out the additional license needed to install another instance of Expression Engine and cut up site A into proper css/html (it’s a horrible mess of html and tables right now).  It’ll keep me busy for the next couple of days.

AO finally got back to me.  Looks like we’ll be starting her Cafe Press project soon.  I need to refresh on that one since it’s been several weeks since I looked at it.  I also need to finish with GM’s gallery skin.

Even with these guys to keep things going for the next few weeks, work is quite a bit slower than it used to be.  I’m currently looking for work-from-home part-time positions that can bring in some supplimental income.

About time for bed.  I love bed time.