mundane echo

I have free time.  It’s really weird.  I’m not quite sure what to do.  I find that I wasted most of today because I still have this feeling I should be doing… something.  School. Homework.  Client work.

I have very little client work right now.  School is over.  The house is clean.

Things I’d like to get done… I actually have time to do.  Like plant those flowers that have been sitting, potted, in the flower bed for three months.  Change out the switch and plugs in the house.  Patch the hole in the kitchen wall.  Insulate the water header and dishwasher.  Spend some time with a camera.  Get a hair cut.  Visit friends.

Its weird.  I don’t want to waste it.  Mark reminded me today that it’s mine and I should take it. Enjoy it.  Live it.  It’s not going to last long.

I’ve never experianced this before.  A day here or there yah.  But for weeks?

wow… just. wow.

I went to the gym this morning.  I haven’t been in three weeks (give or take).  I feel GREAT right now.  I could walk over a mile without any discomfort in my hips.  Hallelujah!  I’m not sure why pains like that come and go, but I’m happy this one seems to be on sabbatical for the moment.

It feels like I’ve been looking in the sky for shooting stars and they are finally starting to appear.  But instead of one or two, the sky is covered with them.  Suddenly, one seems to be bigger than the rest.  BECAUSE IT’S COMING RIGHT TOWARDS ME!  At first, it’s cute and beautiful.  An idea.  It will dissipate in the atmosphere.   No, it’s still coming.  As it gets closer, it gets bigger.  It gets faster.  I’ve spent all my time looking at it and musing that I haven’t built my bomb shelter underground and now it’s just going to smash me.

It 57 days, give or take, it’s going to smash me.

… at least it’s pretty.

I should be making dessert.

I have 8 minutes before I have to start work.

Today’s main focus?  Getting the house clean.  My in-laws are coming over for Christmas breakfast.  It’s a tradition we started a couple years ago.  Last night Mark and I drove to Redwood City to pickup proper tea, sausage, pudding (not what’ youre thinking), and rashers.

The tea is the most exciting part to me.  Barrys & Lyons are the best black tea.  My world has completely changed when it comes to tea, and that’s my husbands fault.  I’m ok with that particular world upset.  Sadly, they are high in caffeine and I rarely indulge myself.

Barrys makes a decaf.  They sold it in the import store.  My heart is happy.  In fact, I’m enjoying a cup right now.

Bliss.

Yesterday was interesting.  Instead of cleaning all morning I painted.  Serves a similar purpose and was satisfying.  Then Ezekiel’s funeral.  For such a sad thing, the service was filled with hope.  D&M held it together in a way I wouldn’t think possible.  I’m so proud of them.

I wonder what today is like.  Funerals don’t change what’s happened, but the act of closure often creates new breath the next morning.  Does the air feel a little crisper?  The bite harder than it was, and in that, a reminder of life?  Or does the weight still burden them and dull their senses?  I don’t know what I would do, in their place.  How I would act, think, feel.  I don’t know, but I know that I can pray and cry for them with a Mother’s heart.  Even now.  And I know God hears.  I know He’s there.  And I know that this too will not go to waste.  Every experience, God uses.

And from that day the name of the city will be “The Lord Is There”

- I’ve been reading Having a Mary heart in a Martha world.  So far, it’s been a great book.  I keep meaning to sit down and write about my thoughts, share excerpts, etc but … heh.  There’s always “but”.

- Today I might moles removed from my body.  I can’t express my excitement.  It’s a lot.  Trust me.

- Christmas is this week.  Christmas breakfast is at our house.  In the next three days I have to clean and make the place perfect.  If my husband works against me I’m going to beat him.  With a rolling pin or whatever heavy object is closest at hand.

- I’ve been thinking about D&M and it’s really important that I don’t cause an extra burden to them.  My presence alone might cause pain.  Gosh, if I were in their place I don’t think I’d want to see “me” either.  I’m going to talk to her sister today and inquire about that.  If it would be easier on them that I don’t attend the memorial service tomorrow, then that’s a-ok with me.  On the flip side, I don’t want to not show up and offend.  Eggshells.

- Last Christmas gift will be taken care of today.  One of the joys of being “broke” is limited shopping.  We only did parents and sister this year.  Silver lining, baby!

- Crib piece still isn’t here.  It arrived, but it was the wrong piece so they had to reorder.  Grr.

- Mom’s jaw is fine, at least at first look.  The orthofacial doctor thinks she has fibromyalgia and gave her new drugs for it.  They didn’t work out well, her pain doctor switched her to something else which seems to be working out great.  We’ll know more in a couple of days after she’s been on the full dose and we can see the complete effects.  So far the new medication make her spacey and sleepy, but she’s been told by a friend (who is on  the same medication) that her body will adapt to it after a while.

- Mom’s brain showed up fine.  Her eye doc wants to run another one (not sure if MRI or CAT) to check out a specific area that may have been missed in the original scan since it was a general look.

- She has a tumor in her lower back.  Apperently its been there since, at least, her last MRI.  She doesn’t recall her doctor saying anything about it.  One of her current doctors is going to have it checked out just in case.  Prelim reports suggest that it is benign.

In this current econmic climate… what is the believer supposed to do?  How are we supposed to react?

Fear?  Is there anything in this life which is worth fear?  Even if the worst happened, and we starved to death.  Something slow and painful.  If we saw loved ones die similar ways.  This life isn’t the end.  There’s something next.

It’s the next part that causes me fear.  There are many whom I love who may not be there.  In that next step.  As so much is happening and opening doors for “end times”.  World market.  How can I reach them and give them the comfort and stability that He has to offer?  In a world which draws away rather than towards… how can His light be seen when so many are shutting their eyes?

There’s two broken parts of my heart.  One for those who do not know Christ.  The other for those who have walked away.  My heart aches for you.

So I logged in to post and I had totally forgot about the new version release!  The WordPress dashboard is so different.  It’s going to take some getting used to.  I need to spend a few minutes poking around and getting a feel for the new landscape.  I wonder if there’s a way to change the color scheme… I don’t care much for the gray and black.

In other news, our birthing class today was great.  Last week’s class, I struggled with some things and how it relates to Mark and I’s relationship.  Over the past week we have had some good communication and we are both working on supplying the other with their needs (rather than it being a one-way back and forth street).  I believe the first sign of positive impact I’ve seen is today.  He was a comfort in class.  I enjoyed working with him and having him there.  I found myself looking forward to birth and his role in it.  This is really great stuff and I pray that it continues as we move forward.

I’m pregnant.  Yes yes, I know most of you look at me with that “duh” expression.  However, recently it has really hit home in a new way.  We’re going to have a little girl.  She is going to be beautiful.  My excitement and anticipation type has completely changed.  I feel like I’m entering a new phase and it’s wonderful!

The odd thing?  I am looking forward to labor.  I know that I can do it.  I am looking forward to meeting that challenge and doing well.  The pain doesn’t scare me (at least right now!) and the process is thrilling.  Perhaps this ties in with Mark and I’s good week.  Perhaps it’s part of the third trimester hormones.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m going to hang on to this for as long as I can.

Another tie in, and perhaps the key, is our prayer and time in the Word.  We’ve been reading and praying together more regularly.  Our conversations about the text hasn’t been strained.  It’s been another good experiance.

I’ve been musing about the third trimester.  Throughout the pregnancy Mothers have told me to “relax.  Enjoy it.  It will go so fast.”.  Up until now, it’s felt pretty slow.  There’s been milestones which are met with celebration (seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound for the first time, making it past the first trimester, switching to maternity clothes, etc).   But the changes in my body have been smooth and steady.  With her rapid weight and growth during the last trimester, I expect that the changes will be faster and more apperent.  I expect my aches and pains to increase with her size.   I’m looking forward to rolling out of bed because I can no longer sit up on my own.  This is the part that connotates “pregnancy” in most woman’s minds.  This is the time I want to savor and experiance.  This it the time I want to soak up and really reflect on later.

Her movements are pretty regular now and a great comfort.  It’s going to be odd, having her on the outside.  Her kicks, turns, hiccups, and body slams against me are amusing and heart warming.   Our (she and I) relationship is going to change soon in ways that I can’t anticipate.  I wonder what it will be like.

Today I hit the mother-load of garage sales!  A young woman down the street was a shop-a-holic for her daughter.  She had gotten rid of a ton of clothing a long time ago, and saved only the stuff that had a memory attached to it.  It’s been in her attic and she finally decided to clear it out.

This woman must have had a lot of memories with her daughter!  Oh my gosh, so many clothes!  I walked away with four large overflowing boxes of clothing like-new condition, incredibly cute and stylish, and there were still three tables full.  I would have taken more, except that her daughter was a September baby and some of the clothing was too off in season.  I have a small mountain of clothes in the living room all for a whopping $25.

So, it’s been a really great day.  Amazing shopping, great time with my husband.  The only downside is that I didn’t get to exercise (I skipped class to spend over an hour going through all the clothes).  I’ll walk extra far tomorrow

The crib piece should be in “any day”.   Then the crib can go together and I’ll finally start to feel like the nursery is real.  It’s been very difficult not to buy the bedding, but with … stuff… I really need to wait for the shower.  The big things that I need to come from the shower are the nursery bedding/decor items, travel system (stroller & car seat), breast pump, high chair, and the health & safety stuff.  If we at least get those then we’ll be set.  The rest is frosting.

I’ve got work-work to do tonight.  We’re heading over to John and Jean’s for some family time.  I’ll bring my laptop, but I doubt I’m going to do much on it.  I’m just not in the mood.  Tomorrow will = crunch.

Night night all.  Happy Saturday!

Last night = conflict.  Conflict isn’t always bad, despite most people’s connotation of it.  It’s how we fight, it’s how we engage in conflict that makes it bad or good or simply what it is.  Mark and I are not good fighters.  We are trying to work on bettering our communication, but it’s a process.  We both carry baggage and it can be difficult.  The good part is that sometimes we come out with a positive outcome.  Last night was no exception.  It was a good outcome and if it carries through, I think it will make a big difference in our relationship.

I’ve been trying to “fall on my sword” in this relationship.  Accept everything, expect nothing, and be happy with what I’m given.  While in theory, it may sound good, it is not functional.  I have needs and I have desires.  Ignoring my needs and trying to change myself so that I don’t need them isn’t working.  I tried, and it just takes me deeper and deeper into a very bad place.  It doesn’t fix any problem, it only makes all of them worse.  I am who I am and while some things can be changed, others can not.  I need to know that I’m loved in a way that I understand.  I need to know that I am not alone in this effort.  I need to know that I’m safe.  That we’re safe.  That it’s ok.  I can logically tell myself that, but without the external supporting “messages” (verbal/nonverbal/physical/etc) I don’t truly believe it.   This is who I am, and I can’t apologize for it any more.

It’s amazing how perspective can change things.  A friend sent me an email (I referenced it in a previous post) and I was in one of those “places”.  I hadn’t responded until today and finally got around to it.  I reread it and took it very differently.  Amazing how that happens.

So off with my day!  I need to get my butt up and go to the gym first and foremost.  It all gets blurry after that, heh.

I could watch this over and over and over and over again.

I’m feeling… something.  Panic? Fear?  Whatever it is, I’m repressing it and it makes me want to run away.  Mom must feel worse.  It’s scary finding out there could be so much happening to your body.

Her eye doctor called. They want to rerun a test because the original showed damage to one of her optic nerves.  If the repeat shows the same results, they want her to get a brain scan.  While telling me this, she added that her previous brain scan showed damage on the nerve from her ear to her brain (she forgot to tell me, apperently).

Both issues may be related to her TMJ or to her neck.  So she’s calling Dr. Booth to have a full checkup of her neck.  She has an appointment this month to the specialized TMJ center in San Francisco.  Hopefully they can all put their heads together and get this figured out.

Meanwhile, I have to try and not stick my head in the sand. It’s my “natural” reaction to news like this.  Pretend that it never happened, it’s not real. Everything’s fine.

Maybe it’s time for another appointment with Dr. Dave.