I don’t think the two are supposed to be linked. Forgiveness is an act made being fully aware of what is being forgiven. Being able to forgive while remembering, knowing, it’s hard stuff. But it also means that if/once forgiveness is truly given, the memory does not cause strife, but serves as guidance for the future.

I posted the above on a friend’s Facebook page, in response to her status update.  It’s made me pause to consider where I am, and where I was.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me.  There’s a myriad of reasons for this, but it boils down to fear and security.  Many of the issues in my marriage, I believe, were compounded by my inability to truly forgive.  It took years to understand what that word means and how it functions… then longer to put it into action in my life.

 

Last night = conflict.  Conflict isn’t always bad, despite most people’s connotation of it.  It’s how we fight, it’s how we engage in conflict that makes it bad or good or simply what it is.  Mark and I are not good fighters.  We are trying to work on bettering our communication, but it’s a process.  We both carry baggage and it can be difficult.  The good part is that sometimes we come out with a positive outcome.  Last night was no exception.  It was a good outcome and if it carries through, I think it will make a big difference in our relationship.

I’ve been trying to “fall on my sword” in this relationship.  Accept everything, expect nothing, and be happy with what I’m given.  While in theory, it may sound good, it is not functional.  I have needs and I have desires.  Ignoring my needs and trying to change myself so that I don’t need them isn’t working.  I tried, and it just takes me deeper and deeper into a very bad place.  It doesn’t fix any problem, it only makes all of them worse.  I am who I am and while some things can be changed, others can not.  I need to know that I’m loved in a way that I understand.  I need to know that I am not alone in this effort.  I need to know that I’m safe.  That we’re safe.  That it’s ok.  I can logically tell myself that, but without the external supporting “messages” (verbal/nonverbal/physical/etc) I don’t truly believe it.   This is who I am, and I can’t apologize for it any more.

It’s amazing how perspective can change things.  A friend sent me an email (I referenced it in a previous post) and I was in one of those “places”.  I hadn’t responded until today and finally got around to it.  I reread it and took it very differently.  Amazing how that happens.

So off with my day!  I need to get my butt up and go to the gym first and foremost.  It all gets blurry after that, heh.

 

I’m feeling… something.  Panic? Fear?  Whatever it is, I’m repressing it and it makes me want to run away.  Mom must feel worse.  It’s scary finding out there could be so much happening to your body.

Her eye doctor called. They want to rerun a test because the original showed damage to one of her optic nerves.  If the repeat shows the same results, they want her to get a brain scan.  While telling me this, she added that her previous brain scan showed damage on the nerve from her ear to her brain (she forgot to tell me, apperently).

Both issues may be related to her TMJ or to her neck.  So she’s calling Dr. Booth to have a full checkup of her neck.  She has an appointment this month to the specialized TMJ center in San Francisco.  Hopefully they can all put their heads together and get this figured out.

Meanwhile, I have to try and not stick my head in the sand. It’s my “natural” reaction to news like this.  Pretend that it never happened, it’s not real. Everything’s fine.

Maybe it’s time for another appointment with Dr. Dave.

 

Does this too come from God?

All these things are swimming around in my head.  A baby is swimming around in my tummy.  Hum.  I’m going to ramble for a bit.

A friend of mine is just a few weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy.  Last Friday she delivered preterm.  A little boy.  Apparently there was a problem with the cord not transferring nutrients from the placenta.  While he was 27 weeks when delivered, his development was more in the 23 week mark.  Because of the cord issue they decided he had a better chance out here than in there.  The doctor believed that leaving him in the womb would be fatal within a day or two.

He must be so small.

I’m going to be in that part of the bay Friday and will hopefully get a chance to check on the parents and child.  It will be good to be there and get a chance to pray for him.  I don’t know that physical distance makes a difference in prayer… the bible talks about laying hands on people… but there is something human in the connection that makes.

My little one is doing ok, as far as I know.  She’s getting big enough that I can feel the smaller movements.  The shifts and turns.  It has become a comfort to feel her.  Talk to her.  To have her respond to me.  There’s so much that is tied to her.  Dreams that I’ve been having recently.  A dream that I had in the past.  Despite all that, my Mom reminded me this morning that all she has to do right now is be a baby.  To grow, stay healthy and be a child.  It was a good reminder and it eased my heart.

It’s been placed on my heart that her name has to mean strength.  Or something related.  So the search continues.

Yesterday was going to be an important day for the nursery.  Mark was finally going to put the crib together.  Sadly, a side piece had split in shipping and everything had to halt there.  I knew I should have unpacked the box when it was delivered.  I chose not to because Mark wasn’t going to put it together until that weekend (which was delayed, obviously) and I didn’t want to temp myself to find an alternate way of assembling the thing.  So now, I have to wait for at least a week for the replacement to come in.  Blah.  Yesterday I was quite annoyed.  Luckily it was rather short lived, heh.

I’m trying to grow as a person.  To be less selfish.  The most difficult area for me is my marriage.  To give and not have expectations of anything in return.  My husband has some needs, some issues, and other things which are yet to be classified.  I have to help/support/aide/etc in these things.  I have to give him what he needs without expecting anything back.  I can’t weigh my own input into this relationship based upon his output.  How is that managed?  How can I continue to pour out without being poured into?  If I perceive that my needs are not being met, can I, in turn, meet his?

The only way to do this, is to be poured into.  My only consistent source is God.  People fail.  They too have their selfish issues.  They forget to call.  They flake.  They make mistakes.  They don’t pay attention.  It’s just traits that make us human (and in that, they are beautiful).  If I lean upon God and allow Him to fill me, then there will be more than enough for me to provide for my husband.  More than enough for me to provide for my child.  More than enough for me to provide for whomever and whatever gets placed in my path.

He is the source of my strength.  He is the source of my peace and my joy.  Perhaps not happiness, but always there must be a joy.

Recently two people from my past told me how different I am.  It wasn’t in a good way… at least, I didn’t take it that way.  I’ve grown up.  I’m not the free spirit they remember.  To quote one “we haven’t spoken in so long – it is not the Stina I remember, so carefree, – it’s like I’m reading someone else’s blog.”  The other was my ex.  When I told him I was pregnant we hadn’t really been caught up on each other’s lives.  I filled him in on the past year, including my miscarriage.  He said I wasn’t the free spirit he knew.

It’s not possible to avoid change (and it shouldn’t be avoided).  Change is good, in its own right.  What constitutes that change and its effects are what have the potential to be negative.  Growing up is good.  Being more responsible is good.  Experience is good.  But at what cost?  My carefree free-spirit personality was something I valued about myself.  It was a core to my personal identity.  It got me into trouble sometimes.  It caused me to hurt people sometimes (not intentionally).  But it was me.  It defined me and how everyone saw me.  It was how I coped with all of the crap that happened in my life.

If I don’t have to that cope… how am I?  How am I dealing with the waves that come at me without end?  The pains, the hurts, the disappointments, the death, the struggle.  Even the joys.  How do I process those if I can’t let them go into the wind from a green hillside?  How do I breathe?

Does this too have to come from God?

 

choosing what is excellent

I can not express how good it is to be out of BCI. I had a dream last night where SH & TH were discussing some “situation” that was going on. I told them how happy I didn’t have to deal with that crap anymore. It was lovely.

Mark C. was speaking in Kollao a while back about choosing what is excellent. It is something that has stuck with me since I heard it and I’ve been trying to do just that. Many times we are faced with many good choices or opportunities. Out of them, we must choose one. So we need to choose whichever is most excellent and drop the rest.

Apparently this has stuck with Mark as well. He brought it up this morning and expressed a desire to start implementing that philosophy in his life. This makes me happy. It’ll be nice to work together with this concept, choosing what is excellent for each of us and for us a couple.

I had a dream last night. With it came a strong urging to withdraw from an event. The more I think about it, the more I know it’s the right thing to do. It’s the craziest thing. I have no qualms about it. I do have a peace that is settling into my heart. Hum. What are You doing?