we are loud

I feel like so much has happened in such a short period of time.

• We moved
• I stopped breastfeeding
• Nomes started crawling
• Nomes started pulling up
• We need a new roof
  • subsequently I’m looking for new clients or going back to work

On the gainful employment end, it is the holiday season and I could get a seasonal position in retail.  That would be an easy way to bring in a few extra dollars.  It would also be an easy way to contract any of those nasty viruses that are flying about this time of year.  While I am not overly concerned over the flu, including H1N1, I do want to be cautious.  The numbers on H1N1 are minimal.  2009 has less than 6,000 death cases world-wide (appx 1,200 in the US).  While 500,000+ have contracted the virus that leaves a very small percent who have not survived.  In the US alone, seasonal flu causes an average of 36,000 deaths each year (according to the CDC).  I understand that we are just entering the flu season and the number of deaths are going to increase… I just have a hard time accepting that we are all going to die this year.  Especially since people are taking strong precautions.  I would love to see the numbers decrease in H1N1 and the seasonal flu this year.  That would be fantastic… and I believe it to be possible.  Just be smart people.

Alright, off my soap box.  So we’ll see how it all works out.  In the meantime I need to start sending out my resume and see what bites and then make a decision from there.

In other news, the house is coming along.  While still a bit of a OCD/clean-freak’s bad dream (no longer a nightmare) it doesn’t make me crazy anymore.  I don’t mind having people over now.  Well, at least close friends.  I wouldn’t throw a party yet. Ha!  We’ll get there.  The furniture has found their final resting place, things are finding their way onto the walls.  It’s coming along.  Nomes will have a bedroom again in a few weeks, which means we can pull her things out of boxes and clear out space in the garage.

Relationally, this move has been great for my marriage.  Mark has turned into a totally different person since we’ve been here.  He is motivated to turn a house into a home.  He is stretching his comfort zone in Husbandhood, Fatherhood.  As a team we are challenging our spirituality and faith.  We are pulling off the heavy blankets and putting on our swim wear… because its time to dive in again.

It seems as though we have found a new church.  I need to write about that… but not now.  The wind is kicking up and I need to watch the trees dance for a while.  Because if love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree.  Bending under Your wind and mercy.

 

faith

A friend recently lost their baby during delivery.   Their faith through the entire thing has me floored. Grounded.  Jaw open.  In awe.  It’s beautiful.

… and challenging.

 

funnel cake

Sleeping is a dream.   Bliss.  Our current routine is bedtime between 7:30pm and 8:00pm.  She sleeps until 5:00am and then I pull her into bed with us, nurse her, and she goes back to sleep for an hour or two.  Naps are still – eh.  But she sleeps when she’s tired, and is in good humor otherwise, so I’m ok with that.

Now that she’s done with the night feedings and pacifier, our recent undertaking is making bedtime positive.  No tears.  I wasn’t sure it was possible because she fusses so much with me before bed.  But one evening Mark had her and got her to bed tear-less.  We chatted about what he did and why we thought it worked.  So the night before last, he walked with her for a bit.  Loving on her and chatting to her.  Then passed her to me and I did the same thing.  What was awesome?  She laid her head on my shoulder and then turned and looked at her crib.  Hum… I wonder if that means she’s ready for bed.  I asked her and then laid her down.  She didn’t fuss!  I stayed with her for a few minutes, rubbing her back and speaking softly.  Then kissed her and left.

She was asleep shortly and without tears.

This evening we broke from routine.  We went to the Scottish Games and then dinner.  Not getting home until 9:00pm.  While changing her for bed she fussed once for a few seconds, then just watched me in a half sleepy state.  Afterwards I held her and walked with her for a minute before she looked at her crib again.  So I laid her down, stayed with her for a minute, kissed her and then left.  Again… no tears!

I am so excited!  I hated the idea that bedtime was something she got upset about.  However, if we can keep this going, it’s going to be something positive for her… and that’s wonderful.

I feel like I’ve discovered some amazing secret and want to share it with everyone.  It’s just *that* good.

In other news, I love my family.  Family isn’t always blood, as I’m sure you know.  It’s the people who you’ve grown up with, the people you allow into that close circle of your heart.  The people who you choose, and who have chosen you.   Well, today I got to spend time with one branch of my family and I enjoyed hanging out with them more than I ever have.  I think part of it comes from my own blossoming understanding of what family is and it’s importance.  That, and it was just a good day.  I miss them and was so blessed to hang out with them today.

Another one of my family members has re-entered my life.  He’s one of those guys who has come and gone from my life for the past 15 years.  On his current road to recovery and self discovery, he’s returned to the bay area.  I’m joyous for this, for many different reasons.  He’s changed in some ways which make me feel the seporation between us.  In other ways, I am finding bridges where seperations were.  I can’t wait to get to know who he is now and where he is going.  To be there and build a new level of our relationship.

It’s been a good day.

 

what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger

“Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. What is challenging your faith right now? The test will either prove your faith right, or it will kill it.”

From today’s devotional on My Upmost for His Highest.

I understood this concept from the begining.  When things happen, people turn to God.  We see it numerous times in the Old Testament, we see it in recent history (after 9-11, churches were packed).  Do we see it in our own lives?  Probably.

I don’t want to be like the Hebrews, who turn to God during strife, and forget about Him in times of peace.  It seems to be a fact of human nature.  As much as I don’t want to be … I am.  I am learning to appreciate trials because they keep me focused on what’s important.

Which really, is what they are meant to do.

 

I don’t think the two are supposed to be linked. Forgiveness is an act made being fully aware of what is being forgiven. Being able to forgive while remembering, knowing, it’s hard stuff. But it also means that if/once forgiveness is truly given, the memory does not cause strife, but serves as guidance for the future.

I posted the above on a friend’s Facebook page, in response to her status update.  It’s made me pause to consider where I am, and where I was.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me.  There’s a myriad of reasons for this, but it boils down to fear and security.  Many of the issues in my marriage, I believe, were compounded by my inability to truly forgive.  It took years to understand what that word means and how it functions… then longer to put it into action in my life.

 

A little better.  In control, for now.

Its been a rough morning.  I crawled into Naomi’s closet and cried for a while.  Prayed for a while.  Pleaded for a while.  In the shower I had terrible thoughts.  Thoughts I haven’t come near in quite some time.  On the good side, it brings my current state into perspective.  I need help.  I can’t do all of this by myself.  So what changes?  And how?  Can I do it?  Will God keep everything the same and give me the strength and heart to do it?  I need a servant’s heart to go on.  One without selfishness, one without fatigue.  One that continues and finds joy in every bit of it.  Without complaint.  Without fail.  Something has to change.  I can’t control the world, or the people in it, so it has to be me or my “task list”.

Something has to change.

 

2009

This morning, I was awake at 7am, dispite climbing into bed around 1am.  Something is wrong with me.

The past few weeks Mark has been great.  He’s helping me out more (especially when I’m not up to snuff), trying to pickup around the house more, and making efforts to address particular physical aliments.  The effect on me has been great.  I find myself not complaining as much, even to myself, as I pick up his glasses and whatnot.  It’s a nice place to be.  I like it here.

So it’s 2009.  Last year was full, this year is going to be full.  Both in very different ways.  For me, last year meant a lot of self discovery and adjustment.  Breaking free of some long time self inflicted limitations.  Finding new ground with God and taking small steps of faith.  Becoming pregnant and experiencing the mass of relational, mental and physical changes.  It was a year of transition.

This year is the fulfillment of that, or at least some of.  She’s going to come into the world soon.  We’re going to meet her.  Our lives are going to change, again.  This time into something completely new and unknown.  The next few months are titled “Waiting for Baby”.  It’s a time of self reflection, hard work, and prayer.  A quiet time and a busy time, but a time of being centered.  I’m really looking forward to it.  Preparing for her arrival.  For birth.  For having a new life in the house.  For the transition from inside to out.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to have that empty apartment for a belly.  I hope it gets renovated quickly!

I love you.  Thank you for being my husband.  I can’t wait to spend these next few months bonding and sharing with you.  Loving you and being loved by you.  This experiance is going to be so incredible.  I don’t think either of us are ready for the intensity of it, but I’m glad that you’re my partner in this.  I wouldnt’ want to share it with anyone else.

 

I have 8 minutes before I have to start work.

Today’s main focus?  Getting the house clean.  My in-laws are coming over for Christmas breakfast.  It’s a tradition we started a couple years ago.  Last night Mark and I drove to Redwood City to pickup proper tea, sausage, pudding (not what’ youre thinking), and rashers.

The tea is the most exciting part to me.  Barrys & Lyons are the best black tea.  My world has completely changed when it comes to tea, and that’s my husbands fault.  I’m ok with that particular world upset.  Sadly, they are high in caffeine and I rarely indulge myself.

Barrys makes a decaf.  They sold it in the import store.  My heart is happy.  In fact, I’m enjoying a cup right now.

Bliss.

Yesterday was interesting.  Instead of cleaning all morning I painted.  Serves a similar purpose and was satisfying.  Then Ezekiel’s funeral.  For such a sad thing, the service was filled with hope.  D&M held it together in a way I wouldn’t think possible.  I’m so proud of them.

I wonder what today is like.  Funerals don’t change what’s happened, but the act of closure often creates new breath the next morning.  Does the air feel a little crisper?  The bite harder than it was, and in that, a reminder of life?  Or does the weight still burden them and dull their senses?  I don’t know what I would do, in their place.  How I would act, think, feel.  I don’t know, but I know that I can pray and cry for them with a Mother’s heart.  Even now.  And I know God hears.  I know He’s there.  And I know that this too will not go to waste.  Every experience, God uses.

And from that day the name of the city will be “The Lord Is There”

 

In this current econmic climate… what is the believer supposed to do?  How are we supposed to react?

Fear?  Is there anything in this life which is worth fear?  Even if the worst happened, and we starved to death.  Something slow and painful.  If we saw loved ones die similar ways.  This life isn’t the end.  There’s something next.

It’s the next part that causes me fear.  There are many whom I love who may not be there.  In that next step.  As so much is happening and opening doors for “end times”.  World market.  How can I reach them and give them the comfort and stability that He has to offer?  In a world which draws away rather than towards… how can His light be seen when so many are shutting their eyes?

There’s two broken parts of my heart.  One for those who do not know Christ.  The other for those who have walked away.  My heart aches for you.

 

I’m putting a title for my husband’s sake.

So I logged in to post and I had totally forgot about the new version release!  The WordPress dashboard is so different.  It’s going to take some getting used to.  I need to spend a few minutes poking around and getting a feel for the new landscape.  I wonder if there’s a way to change the color scheme… I don’t care much for the gray and black.

In other news, our birthing class today was great.  Last week’s class, I struggled with some things and how it relates to Mark and I’s relationship.  Over the past week we have had some good communication and we are both working on supplying the other with their needs (rather than it being a one-way back and forth street).  I believe the first sign of positive impact I’ve seen is today.  He was a comfort in class.  I enjoyed working with him and having him there.  I found myself looking forward to birth and his role in it.  This is really great stuff and I pray that it continues as we move forward.

I’m pregnant.  Yes yes, I know most of you look at me with that “duh” expression.  However, recently it has really hit home in a new way.  We’re going to have a little girl.  She is going to be beautiful.  My excitement and anticipation type has completely changed.  I feel like I’m entering a new phase and it’s wonderful!

The odd thing?  I am looking forward to labor.  I know that I can do it.  I am looking forward to meeting that challenge and doing well.  The pain doesn’t scare me (at least right now!) and the process is thrilling.  Perhaps this ties in with Mark and I’s good week.  Perhaps it’s part of the third trimester hormones.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m going to hang on to this for as long as I can.

Another tie in, and perhaps the key, is our prayer and time in the Word.  We’ve been reading and praying together more regularly.  Our conversations about the text hasn’t been strained.  It’s been another good experiance.

I’ve been musing about the third trimester.  Throughout the pregnancy Mothers have told me to “relax.  Enjoy it.  It will go so fast.”.  Up until now, it’s felt pretty slow.  There’s been milestones which are met with celebration (seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound for the first time, making it past the first trimester, switching to maternity clothes, etc).   But the changes in my body have been smooth and steady.  With her rapid weight and growth during the last trimester, I expect that the changes will be faster and more apperent.  I expect my aches and pains to increase with her size.   I’m looking forward to rolling out of bed because I can no longer sit up on my own.  This is the part that connotates “pregnancy” in most woman’s minds.  This is the time I want to savor and experiance.  This it the time I want to soak up and really reflect on later.

Her movements are pretty regular now and a great comfort.  It’s going to be odd, having her on the outside.  Her kicks, turns, hiccups, and body slams against me are amusing and heart warming.   Our (she and I) relationship is going to change soon in ways that I can’t anticipate.  I wonder what it will be like.

Today I hit the mother-load of garage sales!  A young woman down the street was a shop-a-holic for her daughter.  She had gotten rid of a ton of clothing a long time ago, and saved only the stuff that had a memory attached to it.  It’s been in her attic and she finally decided to clear it out.

This woman must have had a lot of memories with her daughter!  Oh my gosh, so many clothes!  I walked away with four large overflowing boxes of clothing like-new condition, incredibly cute and stylish, and there were still three tables full.  I would have taken more, except that her daughter was a September baby and some of the clothing was too off in season.  I have a small mountain of clothes in the living room all for a whopping $25.

So, it’s been a really great day.  Amazing shopping, great time with my husband.  The only downside is that I didn’t get to exercise (I skipped class to spend over an hour going through all the clothes).  I’ll walk extra far tomorrow

The crib piece should be in “any day”.   Then the crib can go together and I’ll finally start to feel like the nursery is real.  It’s been very difficult not to buy the bedding, but with … stuff… I really need to wait for the shower.  The big things that I need to come from the shower are the nursery bedding/decor items, travel system (stroller & car seat), breast pump, high chair, and the health & safety stuff.  If we at least get those then we’ll be set.  The rest is frosting.

I’ve got work-work to do tonight.  We’re heading over to John and Jean’s for some family time.  I’ll bring my laptop, but I doubt I’m going to do much on it.  I’m just not in the mood.  Tomorrow will = crunch.

Night night all.  Happy Saturday!