guilt

I am wasting a few minutes. I don’t have them to waste, but – yah.

My husband has been particularly nice the past few days.  It’s odd.  I don’t think he reads this thing, which makes me appreciate his actions even more.  Not something that would be pegged overtly romantic, but simple gestures and words which clam that growing ache.  Example… he twittered that “[my] smile does wonders”.  Hum.  It’s nice.

Answer to prayer?  I better get on my knees now to ensure God keeps hittin’ him over the head with whatever 2×4 works best.  I could get addicted to this substance.  Abuse it until there’s nothing but a dependency.

In other news – I have so much to do for school!  Today and tomorrow I need to finish my paper (yah, haven’t done that yet), put together a video of my chatting in ASL for 5 minutes, study, study, study.  Next Wednesday I’m finished.  It happened so fast!

Chabot is offering a new ASL class called Service Learning.  Basicly you work for credit at CSFD as a teacher’s aid.  I’m excited to be free labor!  Perhaps it’s something I can do over the summer… I’ll have to inquire.  Most likely it’s only Spring & Fall.

Ok.  Enough minutes wasted.  Off to work I go.

 

2.0

“Sometimes you feel more like a girlfriend than a wife.”

Hum.  This just isn’t settling with me this evening.  Normally I don’t mind comments in that direction, especially since they are true.  Frequently he feels like a good friend rather than a husband.   Something is bothering me tonight.

I think it’s a mismash of things.  I read the article regarding L’s Dad and that furthered the dive which was itching at the fringe of my emotions.  Of course his untimely passing stirs up a few memories.  Enough that I want to shut down.  Sleep for a while.  Crawl into that place where it’s difficult to get out of bed.  Difficult to move.  After all – what’s the point anyways?

The good thing about this place is that I can think rather clearly.  In some ways clinical.  It’s a good place to make choices which are generally too emotional to address.

Tomorrow is busy.  I’ll be up early to get ready, take Mark to BART, stop by Davie’s birthday party, head to my instructor’s office to discuss my paper, and meet with a college counselor to discuss my considered directions with school.  I’ve ruled out anything computer based.  I know I could do it.  I know I have the mind for it.  I don’t want it.  To sit behind a desk, even one at home – I just don’t know if that would be good for me.  It appeals to some part of me.  Luckily, not enough.   People, sunlight.  These are things I require to maintain good social and mental health.  Without the sun, the darkness comes in too quickly.  Too strong.  Too much.

Education and medicine both allow for me to have a productive life, where I am contributing to “community”, and also fulfilling myself.  More over, I will have a skill that may be useful to the Lord’s work.  That must be a priority to me.

Maybe I need to be a wife in his eyes for these things to change.  Maybe girlfriend is simply not enough to spawn the fire which is needed to push forward.