we are loud

I feel like so much has happened in such a short period of time.

• We moved
• I stopped breastfeeding
• Nomes started crawling
• Nomes started pulling up
• We need a new roof
  • subsequently I’m looking for new clients or going back to work

On the gainful employment end, it is the holiday season and I could get a seasonal position in retail.  That would be an easy way to bring in a few extra dollars.  It would also be an easy way to contract any of those nasty viruses that are flying about this time of year.  While I am not overly concerned over the flu, including H1N1, I do want to be cautious.  The numbers on H1N1 are minimal.  2009 has less than 6,000 death cases world-wide (appx 1,200 in the US).  While 500,000+ have contracted the virus that leaves a very small percent who have not survived.  In the US alone, seasonal flu causes an average of 36,000 deaths each year (according to the CDC).  I understand that we are just entering the flu season and the number of deaths are going to increase… I just have a hard time accepting that we are all going to die this year.  Especially since people are taking strong precautions.  I would love to see the numbers decrease in H1N1 and the seasonal flu this year.  That would be fantastic… and I believe it to be possible.  Just be smart people.

Alright, off my soap box.  So we’ll see how it all works out.  In the meantime I need to start sending out my resume and see what bites and then make a decision from there.

In other news, the house is coming along.  While still a bit of a OCD/clean-freak’s bad dream (no longer a nightmare) it doesn’t make me crazy anymore.  I don’t mind having people over now.  Well, at least close friends.  I wouldn’t throw a party yet. Ha!  We’ll get there.  The furniture has found their final resting place, things are finding their way onto the walls.  It’s coming along.  Nomes will have a bedroom again in a few weeks, which means we can pull her things out of boxes and clear out space in the garage.

Relationally, this move has been great for my marriage.  Mark has turned into a totally different person since we’ve been here.  He is motivated to turn a house into a home.  He is stretching his comfort zone in Husbandhood, Fatherhood.  As a team we are challenging our spirituality and faith.  We are pulling off the heavy blankets and putting on our swim wear… because its time to dive in again.

It seems as though we have found a new church.  I need to write about that… but not now.  The wind is kicking up and I need to watch the trees dance for a while.  Because if love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree.  Bending under Your wind and mercy.

 

I don’t think the two are supposed to be linked. Forgiveness is an act made being fully aware of what is being forgiven. Being able to forgive while remembering, knowing, it’s hard stuff. But it also means that if/once forgiveness is truly given, the memory does not cause strife, but serves as guidance for the future.

I posted the above on a friend’s Facebook page, in response to her status update.  It’s made me pause to consider where I am, and where I was.

Forgiveness is a difficult thing for me.  There’s a myriad of reasons for this, but it boils down to fear and security.  Many of the issues in my marriage, I believe, were compounded by my inability to truly forgive.  It took years to understand what that word means and how it functions… then longer to put it into action in my life.

 

A little better.  In control, for now.

Its been a rough morning.  I crawled into Naomi’s closet and cried for a while.  Prayed for a while.  Pleaded for a while.  In the shower I had terrible thoughts.  Thoughts I haven’t come near in quite some time.  On the good side, it brings my current state into perspective.  I need help.  I can’t do all of this by myself.  So what changes?  And how?  Can I do it?  Will God keep everything the same and give me the strength and heart to do it?  I need a servant’s heart to go on.  One without selfishness, one without fatigue.  One that continues and finds joy in every bit of it.  Without complaint.  Without fail.  Something has to change.  I can’t control the world, or the people in it, so it has to be me or my “task list”.

Something has to change.

 

late to bed, early to rise…

This morning we hung out with Katy shooting maternity photographs.  It was so fun!  She’s great to work with.  I hope everything turns out well.  I don’t doubt her skill, I doubt the subjects and their corporation with the camera!  We’ll see the finals in about two weeks.  Patience – I think I was just rambling about that recently…  I am excited and can’t wait to see them!

Mark did a great job today, I’m so proud of him.  My husband is not a morning person.  Just for me, he crawled (what’s a better word? Inched? Seeped? Dragged?) out of bed at 6:45am.  He only complained a little, and most of it was with his eyes rather than his tongue.  The things he does for me!

John and I were chatting last night about some shots that he liked.  Hopefully we’ll get a chance to head over to the beach tomorrow or next week and take a few.  He has an abstract eye which can be really fun to work with.

So far no signs of labor, that I’ve noticed.  My hips have been bothering me a bit more, without encouragement from me.  Thus is pregnancy!  All worth it for her.  Her ohmygosh, so exciting!

So the other day I ran across an old phone number.  A friend I haven’t spoken to in about six years.  Turns out he has the same phone number!  Such a rare thing these days.  We chatted for over an hour about various things.  It was great.  There’s some people in life who don’t appeal to time or distance.  When I connect with them, the old connection is still there.  It’s an easy flow of conversation, a comfort, and a pleasure.  There’s others where change and experience have warped the relationship and it is difficult to discuss even surface subjects.  I can’t quite find my footing or my place.  Those are difficult, because there’s an expectation of a previous bond without the reality of a current one.  I can not express how pleased I am that this is the not the case with my friend.

 

silly monkey – trees are for you!

A friend of ours was able to get some software from Mark directly from the manufacturer’s store, which means a huge discount.  He brought it home Sunday, and it disappeared sometime after that.  I knew it had to be in the house somewhere, unless he attempted to take it to work and it was misplaced on the train.  Mark lost it for a while.  I’ve rarely seen him so obessed with something.  Crazy man style, I’m telling you.

It’s been found.  I went into the baby’s room this morning and moved a pack of onesies sitting on the floor. Lo and behold, there it was.  A pretty gray box sitting on the floor.

Silly monkey.

This evening we’re attending Mark’s company party in Berkeley.  I have no idea what the dress is, and honestly, don’t want to wear a skirt unless I have to.  Jeans and a cute top would be preferable.  My legs are the size of tree trunks and I like to keep them well covered.  Not to mention – I’m cold!  After months of high body temperatures, I.am.cold.  Hormones must be changing in preperation for birth.

breathe

There it is -that panic.  I’ve gotta go clean something.

 

i like curling up with you

Yesterday was a good day.  Mark and I met with Katy Vold regarding maternity photographs, then took off to Carmel for the afternoon.  The weather was chilly and overcast.  Absolutely perfect.  On the way home we stopped by Santa Cruz for ice cream, then at one of the beaches for some time in prayer for our family.

It was a good day.

Today has it’s task list, but I’m enjoying the cold morning and curling up in the joy of yesterday.  I’ve always appreciated the cold, but especially now (higher body temperature).   At the moment my cheeks are nice and tingly from a walk outside, and my nose has yet to defrost.  Too bad the sun is coming out

Tuesday she’ll be 36 weeks.  One more week and she’ll be full term.  This month has gone by so fast.  There’s still so much to do!

Breathe.

One that note, I’m going to go work on the nursery to make me stop panicing! ha!

 

If I’d known…

Last night Mark asked me “If you had known we’d be here, but it’d take… ” I interupted with a strong “yes” and curled up closer to him.  It’s all been worth it to get to this point in our relationship.  I love where we are right now.  I adore him and the way I feel when he curls up next to me, kisses my forehead, or even smiles across the room at me.  It’s good – and it’s right.  And we’re not only going to be ok, we are ok.

I could continue spouting mush.  Ramble about how much I look forward to him coming home at the end of the day.  How I’d rather sleep in our stiff bed, than the soft sofa, just so I can curl up next to him as we drift off.  I could go on about how great it is when he holds my hand or I rest my head against him.  How I enjoy our morning routine when I plop down in his office to eat breakfast and watch him work.  How much I miss him right now.  But I’ll save you the sap, and just say that I’m in love with my husband, and it’s wonderful.

 

2009

This morning, I was awake at 7am, dispite climbing into bed around 1am.  Something is wrong with me.

The past few weeks Mark has been great.  He’s helping me out more (especially when I’m not up to snuff), trying to pickup around the house more, and making efforts to address particular physical aliments.  The effect on me has been great.  I find myself not complaining as much, even to myself, as I pick up his glasses and whatnot.  It’s a nice place to be.  I like it here.

So it’s 2009.  Last year was full, this year is going to be full.  Both in very different ways.  For me, last year meant a lot of self discovery and adjustment.  Breaking free of some long time self inflicted limitations.  Finding new ground with God and taking small steps of faith.  Becoming pregnant and experiencing the mass of relational, mental and physical changes.  It was a year of transition.

This year is the fulfillment of that, or at least some of.  She’s going to come into the world soon.  We’re going to meet her.  Our lives are going to change, again.  This time into something completely new and unknown.  The next few months are titled “Waiting for Baby”.  It’s a time of self reflection, hard work, and prayer.  A quiet time and a busy time, but a time of being centered.  I’m really looking forward to it.  Preparing for her arrival.  For birth.  For having a new life in the house.  For the transition from inside to out.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to have that empty apartment for a belly.  I hope it gets renovated quickly!

I love you.  Thank you for being my husband.  I can’t wait to spend these next few months bonding and sharing with you.  Loving you and being loved by you.  This experiance is going to be so incredible.  I don’t think either of us are ready for the intensity of it, but I’m glad that you’re my partner in this.  I wouldnt’ want to share it with anyone else.

 

I’m putting a title for my husband’s sake.

So I logged in to post and I had totally forgot about the new version release!  The WordPress dashboard is so different.  It’s going to take some getting used to.  I need to spend a few minutes poking around and getting a feel for the new landscape.  I wonder if there’s a way to change the color scheme… I don’t care much for the gray and black.

In other news, our birthing class today was great.  Last week’s class, I struggled with some things and how it relates to Mark and I’s relationship.  Over the past week we have had some good communication and we are both working on supplying the other with their needs (rather than it being a one-way back and forth street).  I believe the first sign of positive impact I’ve seen is today.  He was a comfort in class.  I enjoyed working with him and having him there.  I found myself looking forward to birth and his role in it.  This is really great stuff and I pray that it continues as we move forward.

I’m pregnant.  Yes yes, I know most of you look at me with that “duh” expression.  However, recently it has really hit home in a new way.  We’re going to have a little girl.  She is going to be beautiful.  My excitement and anticipation type has completely changed.  I feel like I’m entering a new phase and it’s wonderful!

The odd thing?  I am looking forward to labor.  I know that I can do it.  I am looking forward to meeting that challenge and doing well.  The pain doesn’t scare me (at least right now!) and the process is thrilling.  Perhaps this ties in with Mark and I’s good week.  Perhaps it’s part of the third trimester hormones.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m going to hang on to this for as long as I can.

Another tie in, and perhaps the key, is our prayer and time in the Word.  We’ve been reading and praying together more regularly.  Our conversations about the text hasn’t been strained.  It’s been another good experiance.

I’ve been musing about the third trimester.  Throughout the pregnancy Mothers have told me to “relax.  Enjoy it.  It will go so fast.”.  Up until now, it’s felt pretty slow.  There’s been milestones which are met with celebration (seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound for the first time, making it past the first trimester, switching to maternity clothes, etc).   But the changes in my body have been smooth and steady.  With her rapid weight and growth during the last trimester, I expect that the changes will be faster and more apperent.  I expect my aches and pains to increase with her size.   I’m looking forward to rolling out of bed because I can no longer sit up on my own.  This is the part that connotates “pregnancy” in most woman’s minds.  This is the time I want to savor and experiance.  This it the time I want to soak up and really reflect on later.

Her movements are pretty regular now and a great comfort.  It’s going to be odd, having her on the outside.  Her kicks, turns, hiccups, and body slams against me are amusing and heart warming.   Our (she and I) relationship is going to change soon in ways that I can’t anticipate.  I wonder what it will be like.

Today I hit the mother-load of garage sales!  A young woman down the street was a shop-a-holic for her daughter.  She had gotten rid of a ton of clothing a long time ago, and saved only the stuff that had a memory attached to it.  It’s been in her attic and she finally decided to clear it out.

This woman must have had a lot of memories with her daughter!  Oh my gosh, so many clothes!  I walked away with four large overflowing boxes of clothing like-new condition, incredibly cute and stylish, and there were still three tables full.  I would have taken more, except that her daughter was a September baby and some of the clothing was too off in season.  I have a small mountain of clothes in the living room all for a whopping $25.

So, it’s been a really great day.  Amazing shopping, great time with my husband.  The only downside is that I didn’t get to exercise (I skipped class to spend over an hour going through all the clothes).  I’ll walk extra far tomorrow

The crib piece should be in “any day”.   Then the crib can go together and I’ll finally start to feel like the nursery is real.  It’s been very difficult not to buy the bedding, but with … stuff… I really need to wait for the shower.  The big things that I need to come from the shower are the nursery bedding/decor items, travel system (stroller & car seat), breast pump, high chair, and the health & safety stuff.  If we at least get those then we’ll be set.  The rest is frosting.

I’ve got work-work to do tonight.  We’re heading over to John and Jean’s for some family time.  I’ll bring my laptop, but I doubt I’m going to do much on it.  I’m just not in the mood.  Tomorrow will = crunch.

Night night all.  Happy Saturday!

 

Last night = conflict.  Conflict isn’t always bad, despite most people’s connotation of it.  It’s how we fight, it’s how we engage in conflict that makes it bad or good or simply what it is.  Mark and I are not good fighters.  We are trying to work on bettering our communication, but it’s a process.  We both carry baggage and it can be difficult.  The good part is that sometimes we come out with a positive outcome.  Last night was no exception.  It was a good outcome and if it carries through, I think it will make a big difference in our relationship.

I’ve been trying to “fall on my sword” in this relationship.  Accept everything, expect nothing, and be happy with what I’m given.  While in theory, it may sound good, it is not functional.  I have needs and I have desires.  Ignoring my needs and trying to change myself so that I don’t need them isn’t working.  I tried, and it just takes me deeper and deeper into a very bad place.  It doesn’t fix any problem, it only makes all of them worse.  I am who I am and while some things can be changed, others can not.  I need to know that I’m loved in a way that I understand.  I need to know that I am not alone in this effort.  I need to know that I’m safe.  That we’re safe.  That it’s ok.  I can logically tell myself that, but without the external supporting “messages” (verbal/nonverbal/physical/etc) I don’t truly believe it.   This is who I am, and I can’t apologize for it any more.

It’s amazing how perspective can change things.  A friend sent me an email (I referenced it in a previous post) and I was in one of those “places”.  I hadn’t responded until today and finally got around to it.  I reread it and took it very differently.  Amazing how that happens.

So off with my day!  I need to get my butt up and go to the gym first and foremost.  It all gets blurry after that, heh.