late to bed, early to rise…

This morning we hung out with Katy shooting maternity photographs.  It was so fun!  She’s great to work with.  I hope everything turns out well.  I don’t doubt her skill, I doubt the subjects and their corporation with the camera!  We’ll see the finals in about two weeks.  Patience – I think I was just rambling about that recently…  I am excited and can’t wait to see them!

Mark did a great job today, I’m so proud of him.  My husband is not a morning person.  Just for me, he crawled (what’s a better word? Inched? Seeped? Dragged?) out of bed at 6:45am.  He only complained a little, and most of it was with his eyes rather than his tongue.  The things he does for me!

John and I were chatting last night about some shots that he liked.  Hopefully we’ll get a chance to head over to the beach tomorrow or next week and take a few.  He has an abstract eye which can be really fun to work with.

So far no signs of labor, that I’ve noticed.  My hips have been bothering me a bit more, without encouragement from me.  Thus is pregnancy!  All worth it for her.  Her ohmygosh, so exciting!

So the other day I ran across an old phone number.  A friend I haven’t spoken to in about six years.  Turns out he has the same phone number!  Such a rare thing these days.  We chatted for over an hour about various things.  It was great.  There’s some people in life who don’t appeal to time or distance.  When I connect with them, the old connection is still there.  It’s an easy flow of conversation, a comfort, and a pleasure.  There’s others where change and experience have warped the relationship and it is difficult to discuss even surface subjects.  I can’t quite find my footing or my place.  Those are difficult, because there’s an expectation of a previous bond without the reality of a current one.  I can not express how pleased I am that this is the not the case with my friend.

 

Yesterday I cleaned our bedroom and bathroom.  I cleaned our bedroom and bathroom.  On my knees cleaning the floor, taking the windows apart and cleaning them with bleach.  I spent at least three hours up there… and I’m not done.  I still need to take apart the window in the bathroom, apply wood polish to the bathroom cabinet, clean the mattress heater thing, and pick up a few odds and ends which are floating around.  I’d like to take the curtains down and clean them – but I don’t think that’s going to happen since they are probably dry clean only.

I still have a nice long list of things to clean and disinfect.

The last couple of days I’ve been feeling disconnected in the Mommy world.  I blame the waiting.  It feels as though it will never happen, which makes her unreal, which means that part of me is ready to move on to the next thing in life.  Today, I’m right back on track.  She’s been active throughout the day, which always helps, and chatting with Mom … and trying to waddle up the street in SF.  Oh yah – I’m pregnant!  A friend of mine just let me in on her pregnancy and now it’s all over with.  The Mommy-ness is back.  I’m in the zone.

Last night, I shared with Mark about my disconnectedness.  He asked how long it’s been since I’ve seen a baby on TV.  You see, I can’t help it.  I watch a birthing video and turn to mush.  I cry.  I laugh.  I can’t wait for labor and delivery.  I can’t wait to share that experiance with my husband.  I can’t wait.

Even thinking about it gets me there.

I need to go clean something.

It’s like waiting for any big event in life (well, really, marriage was the only other event in my life remotely close to this).  Knowing that once it gets here, everything changes.  There’s no going back.  Things will change.  … and I can’t wait.  I can’t wait to meet her.  To touch her.  To know her and be known by her.  To understand that love that parents talk about.  The kind that is different than anything else.

I didn’t accomplish anything in my early 20’s and most of my mid 20’s.  It wasn’t a fear of change, as much as a belief that there was no such thing (as true change).  Apathy.  It’s a terrible place to be in.  It’s like having the desire and skill to paint, but no hands or feet to hold the brush.  It’s there. It’s so strong that it’s about to brust from under the skin – but that skin is like an armored truck.  Eventually, the fighter gets weary and the body continues on it’s way.  Snatched.

I’m glad that part of my life is over.  It is part of the reason I am looking forward to 30.  I can finally shead my 20’s and kick them off like sandles at the beach.  There’s no need to carry them around anymore.  Toes and sand go well together.  I’m not a 20-something year old.  I haven’t felt like one for a while.  Just like waiting for the baby, I’m ready to move on to the next step.  Patience has never been my strong suit.

Sunday, Pastor Larry referenced some guy who was teaching… something.  The details aren’t important (are they ever? heh).  This guy took a water jug and put as many big rocks in as he could.  Then asked if it was full.  To show it was not, he took sand and poured it in.  Then asked if it was full.  To show it was not, he poured water in.  His point was that the big stuff must be dealt with first.  If you poured water in first, then it would be full of water, and the rocks or sand wouldn’t fit.

I feel like I’ve spent a bulk of my 20’s dealing with water and sand.  milk. I want to switch to solid foods. I want some rocks.  Hell, I want some bolders and I want them now!

So I’ve started a list of “resolutions” for my 30s.  At least one of them involves husband participation (ball room dancing lessons), which will make it a bit difficult to achieve.  I’m hoping that in the next year he’ll warm up to the idea.

Anywho – time to pick up Mark from BART and start dinner.  Ciao.

 

i like curling up with you

Yesterday was a good day.  Mark and I met with Katy Vold regarding maternity photographs, then took off to Carmel for the afternoon.  The weather was chilly and overcast.  Absolutely perfect.  On the way home we stopped by Santa Cruz for ice cream, then at one of the beaches for some time in prayer for our family.

It was a good day.

Today has it’s task list, but I’m enjoying the cold morning and curling up in the joy of yesterday.  I’ve always appreciated the cold, but especially now (higher body temperature).   At the moment my cheeks are nice and tingly from a walk outside, and my nose has yet to defrost.  Too bad the sun is coming out

Tuesday she’ll be 36 weeks.  One more week and she’ll be full term.  This month has gone by so fast.  There’s still so much to do!

Breathe.

One that note, I’m going to go work on the nursery to make me stop panicing! ha!

 

everyone loves the second trimester…

… but I have to say, I’m enjoying the third a lot more.  Granted, I seem to be blessed with an easy pregnancy and that may have a lot to do with it.  I have energy, I’m active, I feel good.  And, best of all, I have a nice round belly.  Each week she gets bigger, my tummy gets rounder and I love it.  There’s no question about my “condition” at this point.

I’m very distracted today.  I have some things that need to get done before I head into San Francisco.  I just can’t get around to doing them.  Like right now, I’d rather clear my thoughts than do that.  Oh… I should transfer some songs from itunes onto my phone… now that I’ve finally got around to importing them from the server.  Oh … look over here. Shiney.

Yah, that’s me.  All me today.

And… I’m happy.  It’s a nice day.  I feel giddy and am enjoying the sunshine.  Probably why I’m floating around randomly.  At least I kicked off a load of dishes and laundry.  Considering, that’s a pretty big achievement.

It’s impossible to work today.  I have some things on my task list.  Instead, once I finish this.  I’m going to try really hard to get the donation stuff together for tomorrow’s pickup.  It’s either now or this evening, but it has to get done.

Ok. Right.  Get to work, Stina.  Common, you can do it.

I should buy a boat!

 

taking a break

I’m taking a short break from work.  I need to use a different side of my brain.  Well, any part of my brain, really.  At the moment I’m doing tedious data entry.  It’s great – we need the money.  It’s something I don’t know that I’d trust very many people with since it’s for my client.  One of those tasks that takes some level of intelligence, but little to no skill.

*yawn*

We are launching this thing tomorrow.  So I have to finish everything off by tomorrow morning.  Its about freakin’ time!  It was supposed to launch November, but due to the usual delays it’s now January.  I’m sure the client will have additional tweeks after launch.  He always does, heh.

Today was our last birthing class.  I don’t know that I’m ready to part with my classes.  I have my notes.  We’ll be practicing our breathing and communication, etc etc.  I know.  We’ll be fine.  I’ll be fine.  I’m just not ready for them to be over.

Tomorrow we have an ultrasound.  Next Saturday a hopsital tour.  The Saturday after is the shower.  The following week is our new parents class.  Then it’s the end of January and Feburary will be here.  She’ll be here in Feburary … well, unless she’s late!

 

2009

This morning, I was awake at 7am, dispite climbing into bed around 1am.  Something is wrong with me.

The past few weeks Mark has been great.  He’s helping me out more (especially when I’m not up to snuff), trying to pickup around the house more, and making efforts to address particular physical aliments.  The effect on me has been great.  I find myself not complaining as much, even to myself, as I pick up his glasses and whatnot.  It’s a nice place to be.  I like it here.

So it’s 2009.  Last year was full, this year is going to be full.  Both in very different ways.  For me, last year meant a lot of self discovery and adjustment.  Breaking free of some long time self inflicted limitations.  Finding new ground with God and taking small steps of faith.  Becoming pregnant and experiencing the mass of relational, mental and physical changes.  It was a year of transition.

This year is the fulfillment of that, or at least some of.  She’s going to come into the world soon.  We’re going to meet her.  Our lives are going to change, again.  This time into something completely new and unknown.  The next few months are titled “Waiting for Baby”.  It’s a time of self reflection, hard work, and prayer.  A quiet time and a busy time, but a time of being centered.  I’m really looking forward to it.  Preparing for her arrival.  For birth.  For having a new life in the house.  For the transition from inside to out.  I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to have that empty apartment for a belly.  I hope it gets renovated quickly!

I love you.  Thank you for being my husband.  I can’t wait to spend these next few months bonding and sharing with you.  Loving you and being loved by you.  This experiance is going to be so incredible.  I don’t think either of us are ready for the intensity of it, but I’m glad that you’re my partner in this.  I wouldnt’ want to share it with anyone else.

 

I’m putting a title for my husband’s sake.

So I logged in to post and I had totally forgot about the new version release!  The WordPress dashboard is so different.  It’s going to take some getting used to.  I need to spend a few minutes poking around and getting a feel for the new landscape.  I wonder if there’s a way to change the color scheme… I don’t care much for the gray and black.

In other news, our birthing class today was great.  Last week’s class, I struggled with some things and how it relates to Mark and I’s relationship.  Over the past week we have had some good communication and we are both working on supplying the other with their needs (rather than it being a one-way back and forth street).  I believe the first sign of positive impact I’ve seen is today.  He was a comfort in class.  I enjoyed working with him and having him there.  I found myself looking forward to birth and his role in it.  This is really great stuff and I pray that it continues as we move forward.

I’m pregnant.  Yes yes, I know most of you look at me with that “duh” expression.  However, recently it has really hit home in a new way.  We’re going to have a little girl.  She is going to be beautiful.  My excitement and anticipation type has completely changed.  I feel like I’m entering a new phase and it’s wonderful!

The odd thing?  I am looking forward to labor.  I know that I can do it.  I am looking forward to meeting that challenge and doing well.  The pain doesn’t scare me (at least right now!) and the process is thrilling.  Perhaps this ties in with Mark and I’s good week.  Perhaps it’s part of the third trimester hormones.  I don’t know.  I do know that I’m going to hang on to this for as long as I can.

Another tie in, and perhaps the key, is our prayer and time in the Word.  We’ve been reading and praying together more regularly.  Our conversations about the text hasn’t been strained.  It’s been another good experiance.

I’ve been musing about the third trimester.  Throughout the pregnancy Mothers have told me to “relax.  Enjoy it.  It will go so fast.”.  Up until now, it’s felt pretty slow.  There’s been milestones which are met with celebration (seeing her heartbeat on the ultrasound for the first time, making it past the first trimester, switching to maternity clothes, etc).   But the changes in my body have been smooth and steady.  With her rapid weight and growth during the last trimester, I expect that the changes will be faster and more apperent.  I expect my aches and pains to increase with her size.   I’m looking forward to rolling out of bed because I can no longer sit up on my own.  This is the part that connotates “pregnancy” in most woman’s minds.  This is the time I want to savor and experiance.  This it the time I want to soak up and really reflect on later.

Her movements are pretty regular now and a great comfort.  It’s going to be odd, having her on the outside.  Her kicks, turns, hiccups, and body slams against me are amusing and heart warming.   Our (she and I) relationship is going to change soon in ways that I can’t anticipate.  I wonder what it will be like.

Today I hit the mother-load of garage sales!  A young woman down the street was a shop-a-holic for her daughter.  She had gotten rid of a ton of clothing a long time ago, and saved only the stuff that had a memory attached to it.  It’s been in her attic and she finally decided to clear it out.

This woman must have had a lot of memories with her daughter!  Oh my gosh, so many clothes!  I walked away with four large overflowing boxes of clothing like-new condition, incredibly cute and stylish, and there were still three tables full.  I would have taken more, except that her daughter was a September baby and some of the clothing was too off in season.  I have a small mountain of clothes in the living room all for a whopping $25.

So, it’s been a really great day.  Amazing shopping, great time with my husband.  The only downside is that I didn’t get to exercise (I skipped class to spend over an hour going through all the clothes).  I’ll walk extra far tomorrow

The crib piece should be in “any day”.   Then the crib can go together and I’ll finally start to feel like the nursery is real.  It’s been very difficult not to buy the bedding, but with … stuff… I really need to wait for the shower.  The big things that I need to come from the shower are the nursery bedding/decor items, travel system (stroller & car seat), breast pump, high chair, and the health & safety stuff.  If we at least get those then we’ll be set.  The rest is frosting.

I’ve got work-work to do tonight.  We’re heading over to John and Jean’s for some family time.  I’ll bring my laptop, but I doubt I’m going to do much on it.  I’m just not in the mood.  Tomorrow will = crunch.

Night night all.  Happy Saturday!

 

She was dancing last night.  4am.  My baby’s a party girl.

Yesterday was our first birthing class.  Fun.  I like the group of parents that are there.  Particularly V&J, they just seem like really fun people.  I didn’t learn anything new, but Mark was able to pick up some specific information.  After the class he seemed more interested and talkative about the baby and pregnancy than he has been.  I was hoping for that, but at the same time it frustrated me…. I could ramble about it, but I’m going to spare you.

Today’s piorities are – HOMEWORK.  I am incredibly behind in my classes and I need to spend some time today getting caught up.  It’s difficult because school is not a piority to me right now.  I’m done and moved on.  I want to focus on getting myself, the baby, the house, the nursery, etc.  Not school.  Although, being in perinatal Friday was a great reminder.  I want to be in medical.

 

Does this too come from God?

All these things are swimming around in my head.  A baby is swimming around in my tummy.  Hum.  I’m going to ramble for a bit.

A friend of mine is just a few weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy.  Last Friday she delivered preterm.  A little boy.  Apparently there was a problem with the cord not transferring nutrients from the placenta.  While he was 27 weeks when delivered, his development was more in the 23 week mark.  Because of the cord issue they decided he had a better chance out here than in there.  The doctor believed that leaving him in the womb would be fatal within a day or two.

He must be so small.

I’m going to be in that part of the bay Friday and will hopefully get a chance to check on the parents and child.  It will be good to be there and get a chance to pray for him.  I don’t know that physical distance makes a difference in prayer… the bible talks about laying hands on people… but there is something human in the connection that makes.

My little one is doing ok, as far as I know.  She’s getting big enough that I can feel the smaller movements.  The shifts and turns.  It has become a comfort to feel her.  Talk to her.  To have her respond to me.  There’s so much that is tied to her.  Dreams that I’ve been having recently.  A dream that I had in the past.  Despite all that, my Mom reminded me this morning that all she has to do right now is be a baby.  To grow, stay healthy and be a child.  It was a good reminder and it eased my heart.

It’s been placed on my heart that her name has to mean strength.  Or something related.  So the search continues.

Yesterday was going to be an important day for the nursery.  Mark was finally going to put the crib together.  Sadly, a side piece had split in shipping and everything had to halt there.  I knew I should have unpacked the box when it was delivered.  I chose not to because Mark wasn’t going to put it together until that weekend (which was delayed, obviously) and I didn’t want to temp myself to find an alternate way of assembling the thing.  So now, I have to wait for at least a week for the replacement to come in.  Blah.  Yesterday I was quite annoyed.  Luckily it was rather short lived, heh.

I’m trying to grow as a person.  To be less selfish.  The most difficult area for me is my marriage.  To give and not have expectations of anything in return.  My husband has some needs, some issues, and other things which are yet to be classified.  I have to help/support/aide/etc in these things.  I have to give him what he needs without expecting anything back.  I can’t weigh my own input into this relationship based upon his output.  How is that managed?  How can I continue to pour out without being poured into?  If I perceive that my needs are not being met, can I, in turn, meet his?

The only way to do this, is to be poured into.  My only consistent source is God.  People fail.  They too have their selfish issues.  They forget to call.  They flake.  They make mistakes.  They don’t pay attention.  It’s just traits that make us human (and in that, they are beautiful).  If I lean upon God and allow Him to fill me, then there will be more than enough for me to provide for my husband.  More than enough for me to provide for my child.  More than enough for me to provide for whomever and whatever gets placed in my path.

He is the source of my strength.  He is the source of my peace and my joy.  Perhaps not happiness, but always there must be a joy.

Recently two people from my past told me how different I am.  It wasn’t in a good way… at least, I didn’t take it that way.  I’ve grown up.  I’m not the free spirit they remember.  To quote one “we haven’t spoken in so long – it is not the Stina I remember, so carefree, – it’s like I’m reading someone else’s blog.”  The other was my ex.  When I told him I was pregnant we hadn’t really been caught up on each other’s lives.  I filled him in on the past year, including my miscarriage.  He said I wasn’t the free spirit he knew.

It’s not possible to avoid change (and it shouldn’t be avoided).  Change is good, in its own right.  What constitutes that change and its effects are what have the potential to be negative.  Growing up is good.  Being more responsible is good.  Experience is good.  But at what cost?  My carefree free-spirit personality was something I valued about myself.  It was a core to my personal identity.  It got me into trouble sometimes.  It caused me to hurt people sometimes (not intentionally).  But it was me.  It defined me and how everyone saw me.  It was how I coped with all of the crap that happened in my life.

If I don’t have to that cope… how am I?  How am I dealing with the waves that come at me without end?  The pains, the hurts, the disappointments, the death, the struggle.  Even the joys.  How do I process those if I can’t let them go into the wind from a green hillside?  How do I breathe?

Does this too have to come from God?

 

It’s such a relief to hear her heartbeat.  I know that I am not alone in my worries.  Every Mother and expectant Mother I’ve chatted with have gone through / are going through the same concerns.  By the time the OB appointment comes around, we’re relieved.  Something about hearing a medical professional say “everything looks good” – makes the world of difference.

I have my glucouse screening test.  A little bottle of orange liquid that I can’t imagine tastes very good.  “Drink it cold” I was told… never a good sign!  I’ll probably get that done and over with Saturday morning after my exercise class.  Oh wait, company.  Maybe I’ll put it off for a week, no reason to rush the horrible parts of life!

I am trying to step up my exercise program.  I gained a bit too much over the past four weeks (probably because for the past three I had a HUGE sweet tooth!).  It didn’t help to have my husband constantly commenting that I don’t eat enough, in his opinion.  I need to stop appeasing him on things like that, especially when I know better.  It’s a frustrating part of my personality.  Anywho, so I’m getting up earlier so that I can walk every morning.  It’s day two and going well.  We’ll see how day three and four progress.

ohmygoshicantwaitfortwilighttocomeoutimsoexcited.

blah!